Life is Limbo....

Life is organic....it is evolutionary....ever changing ....unsettled and unsettling....Just when you seem to "get it", "it" changes! Just when you think you know where you are "going", the road does a 180 on you. Just when you get the song memorized, they throw in a new verse! Ever and always changing....and why? To keep us on our toes? To torture us? No...to teach us/ME things I would be too comfortable to learn otherwise. The verse God gave to me for this phenomenon is this; "As an eagle that STIRS UP HER NEST, THAT FLUTTERS OVER HER YOUNG, He spread abroad His wings and He took them, He bore them on His pinions. So the Lord alone led him.."

There you have it. Simple. Straight. He takes me out of my "nest" of comfort and stirs up my life, so that I can learn His lessons...His truths....His reality....Only by experience do we actually put into practice what we THINK we know! Thank God He cares enough for me to stir my nest!! It has gotten rigid at times, stinky at times and stagnant.....Kind of like spring cleaning of the soul.....

Sad....

Sad day yesterday...too many reasons to list....felt like my feet weighed a ton and my heart even heavier....kept my head above water though and that, for me is a great accomplishment in itself! God gave me a song that I have never even heard by an artist I thought that I had listened to every song he ever made. Here are the lyrics.....

Stand on the corner I watch my breath freeze in the air

See how it lifts and then vanishes

But I know You're still there

I've got nowhere else to go

Cause the only life that I know comes from You

And I can't walk away

Though the truth is that it can be so hard to wait

When a million voices whisper and they tell me I should leave

Into the shadows that the moon casts

On these alleys and these streets

But I know that chasing shadows won't get me anywhere

Cause I've been there

So I stand on the promise

Cause I know that the promise is sure

That it comes from beyond us and tells us again

That there's a whole 'nother world

Well the one I'm in keeps spinning 'round

But I want to stay right here cause I found You

So I'm waiting for you Jesus

Cause I know that those who wait

They will mount with wings like eagles

They will run and not grow faint

They will walk and not grow weary

And their strength shall be renewed

So I'm waiting on You

Come back soon

Cause I'm waiting on You.

rich mullins

Henri....

"All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful: solitude is peaceful . Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love."

Henri Nouwen is more than an author....he is a mentor, even from the grave. He listens to his own heart and in turn touches mine....others.....millions. As I have read his books, it is like reading the pages of my soul....my mind.....my heart.....It is like he has been there with me through all my struggles and has written them on every page. Like looking into a crystal ball and seeing who you are.

Loneliness has been so much a part of my life from early on. It has, until lately, been my adversary. Now, it is becoming my advisor. It has been a process of turning loneliness into solitude, but a journey well worth the taking....well worth the exquisite pain....well worth the great effort it takes to look deep within your self and discover the motives and the madness of what has made up your life. And Henri is right! Solitude is ever so much more peaceful than being lonely......Solitude spurs you forward, loneliness leaves you lagging behind in sorrow ....solitude brings hope...loneliness brings hurt. It is a skill that takes large blocks of time and loads of thought processing, but reaps a benefit that cannot be calculated. Peace. In every area. I am thankful for this new found skill I have been learning. It's never too late, or too early to start on the road less traveled toward solitude.

SURELY!!!

Psalm 23:6 "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..." Follow. What does that MEAN? Do goodness and mercy actually follow us around....picking up the pieces as the Lord leads? Does it mean to follow, making sure we do the right things, looking over our shoulders? Does it mean to follow as to keep in line or in step as we should? Checking up on us? Well, that is what I woke up with on my mind this morning....so I did a little searching for some kind of clarity for myself. Not much time to pursue it this morning, but will keep my eyes open and ears to the Spirit who speaks truth and love to me.....

"Will follow" - YADA - yawdah - a primitive root to know (properly, to ascertain by seeing), used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially (including observation, care, recognition; and causatively, instruction, designation, punishment, etc.) - to acknowledge, acquaintance, advise, answer, appoint, be aware, comprehend, consider, declare, be diligent, cause to discern, discover, familiar friend, feel, instruct, kinsman, cause to know, come to give knowledge, understand........"

And those are just a few of the definitions I found from Strong's. I like them. They comfort me on a different level than just the seemingly mysterious words "will follow". I like them, I feel them....but especially the one that says "familiar friend".... that kind of friend knows HOW to follow....to give you what is good for you at any particular time and in all particular circumstances...and in VERY particular ways. Ways that only you know come from the heart of that friend. Mercy and Goodness. What friends!!! To follow me... to do for ME, ALL of the above stated definitions! Mercy......Goodness......who better to have my back walking through this life?!!!

Trees

The "trees of the fields" clap their hands the hardest when the wind blows.....

Power of Stillness

Taken from STREAMS IN THE DESERT...."There is a place of stillness that allows God the opportunity to work for us and give us peace. It is a stillness that ceases our scheming , self-vindication and the search for a temporary means to an end through our own wisdom and judgement. Instead, it lets God provide an answer through His unfailing and faithful love, to the cruel blow we have suffered. Oh how often we thwart Gods intervention on our behalf by taking up our own cause or striking a blow in our defense. May God grant us this silent power."

I have lived my life in anxiety and fear. I have therefore, tried to be in "control" of all that surrounded me, to protect me from being hurt or surprised....however, it turns out that in trying to be in control, I lost control...of who I was, who I was designed to be in this world. Trying to control the outer turmoil, I created and lived with an inner turmoil which had a far greater capacity to destroy me than any outer source could conceive. The inner turmoil seems also a much harder place to try and correct the damage done....but the place where I am going to, the road that I am choosing to travel each day, in each moment, with each breath and each thought, is peace.....by letting go of the past, whether moments ago or decades ago, and pressing on towards a higher calling of peace... with my self first and my neighbor next.

Letting Go...

Chatted with a new girl last night on the world wide web. She was getting ready to check out some schools for her preschoolers today and was very sad that she was going to have to "let them go" to school. Well, little does she know, that each and every day since the day they were born, is a day of "letting go". Seems like when they come out of that safe and secure place at birth, they are on the road to leave....leave the womb....leave the yard....leave for school....leave for their first date.....leave to get married.....leave the state in search of adventure....leave your house....forever. Yep....living this old life is just one big highway of going somewhere....and how else would you have it?! For them to stay home and be sheltered would make for a very retarded world! Of course, I think they had the right idea on the show "Dallas", where the whole family stayed together in one big honkin house on vast acreages of land....but alas....life is not a t.v. show. And so, given that fact, we must all let go constantly, of the things we think we could never let go of....our children, our house, our dogs, our friends and last, but not least, death is the final letting go.....

So my advice? Not that anyone is asking or even READING these posts, but ........to the world wide web I give it.......learn early how to let go gracefully.....then let me know how to do it would ya?

Speaking of letting go.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCAS!!!!!

Dish Washing

Dish washing, I am coming to see, is a lost art. The invention of the dishwasher by a woman in the 1860's, seems to have altered our lives and had a deeper impact than I am sure SHE even realized. The dishwasher didn't even take off until the 1950's though. The decade I was born in seems to have been a time of great change and prosperity. I will now sound like my grandmother who was born in 1900....".I remember when" dishes were washed by hand!

We have been remodeling our home, and decided we did not have room for a dishwasher. We are downsizing and really, it is a rather tiny kitchen! So, we decided to do without that appliance that takes up lots of room, uses lots of kilowatts and water, puts out heat when it dries, and most importantly, robs us of our time with each other or robs us of time in contemplation for ourselves.

What I remember about dish washing as child, was that it was an extension of the meal! The fellowship around the kitchen table, was not over when you finished eating! That fellowship continued around the dish washing ritual. It was a time when all the women got to talk about the things THEY wanted to talk about but not with the "men folk" around. Perhaps the latest gossip, or some important and very secret thing their husbands were working on at the job, or what so-and-so had on at church that day, or how their son was acting up. It was also a time for our family to be with each other individually. In our family, my mother worked, so my dad would pitch in and stand with his feet spread out (so he wouldn't have to bend over so much) in front of the sink washing the dishes that we all cleaned off the table. He would use scalding hot water as well, which I remember often making the mistake of putting my hand in his water. Wow! It burned like hell!! Then one of us would dry. Or, it would be my brother and I who did the washing and drying, always with a squabble about WHO would do WHAT! Always with the "dryer" handing back the "not-good-enough" plate or fork, to the "dishwasher" to be done over. And of course, there was always the ruckus that took place when the "dryer" was almost done, and with the thin white cotton towel at just the right consistency ....the dryer would do his/her "windup" behind the back of the "dishwasher" and then BAM!!!! The game was on!!! The proverbial flipping-of-the-dishwasher-game had begun!!! And oh the fun that ensued!!! That, in itself, is a lost art as well.....flipping towels. There is no more perfect towel than the one described above, for this game. Do they even MAKE those kind anymore?!! There were also conversations about your day, your thoughts, your dreams, your questions about life.....so MUCH enveloped this dish washing ritual back in the old days. We have gotten so instant in our living , in our loving , in our thinking and doing, that some of the good things about the old days have become lost arts. Like dish washing. Well, in my house, it is back, and we both love it! It is simple. It is free. It is freeing. You can actually get to know a little bit more about the person you live with, or the people you have over. It is a time for intimate conversation... for perhaps asking those questions that no one seems to have time for anymore. If you do the dishes alone, it is also a GREAT time of reflection on your day, or your life, to just be still or to simply dream. It is especially great, though if there just so happens to be someone around that you can flip with that beautiful white cotton towel!!!!!! Try it... you'll like it!!

Kids

Kids....I have 3 boys, 3 girls, 2 grandsons and 3 granddaughters! I love them all so very much. Each is so different, each so wonderful and so much to offer. I am very proud of them all. They are all good people in good ways. I didn't do too bad raising them and they didn't do too bad finding mates....and they all did a GREAT job of giving me the most beautiful and intelligent and creative grandchildren one could ever want. Only one tiny problem. They all live a full 10-18 hours away from me!! I always dreamed that I would get to have the kind of relationship to my grands as I had with my own grandma. I miss that so much it hurts. This morning I got up and read a friends blog. It was a wonderful blog! So exciting about the triplets that they are having! And I am THRILLED for them! They both deserve these children so very much and will make fantastic parents! But....for some reason, it made me ask God again why my Isabella couldn't have stayed here..... then, the agony continues on into the self flagellating stance of why I can't live close to my grandchildren. Instant tears. Instant pain. The knife that seems to always stand ready for stabbing my heart, hits with a vengeance. I cry. It goes away now as I let it out here.... it is only a passing thing...trouble is, it passes by again and again. Don't get me wrong! I think I have a fairly good relationship with all my grandchildren considering how far away they are! I love them. They love me. We have a GREAT time when we are together. They even call me on occasion which makes this grandma heart blossom like jonquils in winter. But it is not the same. In reality, it can NOT be the same because of the distance. Its like a woman who wants to have a baby SO badly, but can't. Her heart bleeds for it, her mind thinks of it, her body aches for it...and so it is with this grandma. My closest friend gets to baby sit her 2 beautiful grandchildren every day. She has another on the way that she will get to keep also. I work with her husband a couple days a week and she calls every day so that he can talk to his grandchild on the phone about whatever it is that he is doing.... I listen....I ache....I long.....then when I am with her, even without the kids with us, she will talk about all the accomplishments they made or funny things they said and did.....and the pain returns.....I must always push it away, the pain, push it back into the recesses of my heart and save it for later....for times like this morning when I can let it go and let the tears fall freely. Not that it helps. Not that it feels good or accomplishes anything, but I have found out that if I don't deal with feelings the correct way, they will pile up, or turn around and bite me in the ass. I have been bitten one too many times to allow those emotions to run my life anymore. I can control them and will, but when my heart weeps for my lack, it is a job to keep them rounded up. It can be done. I am doing it with my Gods help. There is a time and a season for everything under the sun...and it is true....and it works. Maybe there will even be a time for me to be close to my grandkids.

Here Goes...

These are my ramblings. To no one in particular. To everyone in general. To my self most of all. The groanings of my heart...the cries of my soul....the thoughts of my ever full and changing mind. My questions. Maybe even some answers. But always my inner self...struggles....the hidden part of me. Be careful to enter. Most of us only let others see what we want them to see...this is me....unmasked...unashamed...the unseen part of me that enters into my holy place each morning to find so many surprises there that I overflow....so here, in this place, in the nothing and the everything of my life....in the no one and everyone of the world wide web...I bear my thoughts....Cheers!

So here, at 5:30 in the bloody a.m., I read...." when the fires of affliction draw songs of praise from us, we are indeed purified and our God is glorified."

Exodus 20:12 "...the thick darkness where God was".....

And then 1 Peter 4.....especially verse 12...about "sharing Christs sufferings". What exactly IS that anyway? Yes, I know that it proceeds to tell us about suffering because we are "believers", but does it, can it also mean the suffering brought on us by those we love the most? By our own pain ridden soul? Our own struggling mind? If God was "in the thick darkness" for Moses, perhaps He is also in the "thick darkness" of my own mind. And also to remember that we "see through a glass darkly" at this point in our journey. Seems like a lot of NOT SEEING going on here! The only way I can go forward is to hold the hand of the only One who CAN see ahead.....and reading along in that 1 Peter place, I see that One whose hand I hold, is the One who "created my soul" and the One who, " will never fail it". So there is my only answer at this point in my life. But alas, what other one do I need?

Each day I learn something about myself, and about my God. Each day I live, I grow closer to Him, to others, to my real home. Each day, I have the opportunity to be and do and live this life the way in which it was intended to be lived! I will not be bogged down by the thick darkness of the clouds, of my soul, of my mind, of others but will press on....and hupomeno through what little of this life I have left to live. I have squandered enough of it and I intend to actually LIVE the rest the way it was meant to be lived!