Kids

Kids....I have 3 boys, 3 girls, 2 grandsons and 3 granddaughters! I love them all so very much. Each is so different, each so wonderful and so much to offer. I am very proud of them all. They are all good people in good ways. I didn't do too bad raising them and they didn't do too bad finding mates....and they all did a GREAT job of giving me the most beautiful and intelligent and creative grandchildren one could ever want. Only one tiny problem. They all live a full 10-18 hours away from me!! I always dreamed that I would get to have the kind of relationship to my grands as I had with my own grandma. I miss that so much it hurts. This morning I got up and read a friends blog. It was a wonderful blog! So exciting about the triplets that they are having! And I am THRILLED for them! They both deserve these children so very much and will make fantastic parents! But....for some reason, it made me ask God again why my Isabella couldn't have stayed here..... then, the agony continues on into the self flagellating stance of why I can't live close to my grandchildren. Instant tears. Instant pain. The knife that seems to always stand ready for stabbing my heart, hits with a vengeance. I cry. It goes away now as I let it out here.... it is only a passing thing...trouble is, it passes by again and again. Don't get me wrong! I think I have a fairly good relationship with all my grandchildren considering how far away they are! I love them. They love me. We have a GREAT time when we are together. They even call me on occasion which makes this grandma heart blossom like jonquils in winter. But it is not the same. In reality, it can NOT be the same because of the distance. Its like a woman who wants to have a baby SO badly, but can't. Her heart bleeds for it, her mind thinks of it, her body aches for it...and so it is with this grandma. My closest friend gets to baby sit her 2 beautiful grandchildren every day. She has another on the way that she will get to keep also. I work with her husband a couple days a week and she calls every day so that he can talk to his grandchild on the phone about whatever it is that he is doing.... I listen....I ache....I long.....then when I am with her, even without the kids with us, she will talk about all the accomplishments they made or funny things they said and did.....and the pain returns.....I must always push it away, the pain, push it back into the recesses of my heart and save it for later....for times like this morning when I can let it go and let the tears fall freely. Not that it helps. Not that it feels good or accomplishes anything, but I have found out that if I don't deal with feelings the correct way, they will pile up, or turn around and bite me in the ass. I have been bitten one too many times to allow those emotions to run my life anymore. I can control them and will, but when my heart weeps for my lack, it is a job to keep them rounded up. It can be done. I am doing it with my Gods help. There is a time and a season for everything under the sun...and it is true....and it works. Maybe there will even be a time for me to be close to my grandkids.